The reader's edition
Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change: the summary
Jeffrey Foote, Carrie Wilkens and Nicole Kosanke are clinical psychologists who founded the Center for Motivation and Change in New York, and they wrote this book with Stephanie Higgs for the family and friends of someone with a substance problem. They argue that the familiar advice to confront hard, or to detach and wait for rock bottom, often backfires, and that research supports a kinder approach. Their method draws on CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training) and motivational interviewing. Families learn to understand what the substance does for their person, reward non-using behaviour, step back and let natural consequences land, and talk in ways that lower defences. The book treats mixed feelings and setbacks as a normal part of change, and asks readers to look after their own wellbeing as part of helping. Read a chapter at a time, with a printable action book at the end.
- Jeffrey Foote, Carrie Wilkens and Nicole Kosanke, with Stephanie Higgs
- 2014
- 4 chapters
- 5 min read
- 9 takeaways
This is HourLife's reading of Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change, in our own words. It is not a substitute for the book.
Chapter 01
Before you start
The book in a minute
Tap a paragraph to highlight it. Turn pages with the arrows, the arrow keys, or a swipe.
Jeffrey Foote, Carrie Wilkens and Nicole Kosanke are clinical psychologists who founded the Center for Motivation and Change in New York, and they wrote this book with Stephanie Higgs for the family and friends of someone with a substance problem. They argue that the familiar advice to confront hard, or to detach and wait for rock bottom, often backfires, and that research supports a kinder approach. Their method draws on CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training) and motivational interviewing. Families learn to understand what the substance does for their person, reward non-using behaviour, step back and let natural consequences land, and talk in ways that lower defences. The book treats mixed feelings and setbacks as a normal part of change, and asks readers to look after their own wellbeing as part of helping.
Below are the 9 ideas HourLife readers vote up most, each in our words with a note on what it asks of you, and then the steps that put them to work.
Chapter 02
What readers keep
The takeaways
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1
HourLife takeaway
You do not have to wait for rock bottom; a family can help someone change long before then.
The authors push back on the idea that a person must lose everything before they are ready. Waiting can mean years of harm to everyone involved. Research on CRAFT found that family members who learn its methods can help a loved one move toward treatment.
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2
HourLife takeaway
Kindness is not enabling: you can be warm to the person and still refuse to make the use comfortable.
Families are often told that any warmth rewards the drinking or drug use. The book separates the two. Warmth goes to the person and to their sober moments, while the use itself gets no help, no cover and no attention.
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3
HourLife takeaway
Substance use makes sense to the person using, so find out what it does for them.
People use because it works for them in some way: it eases anxiety, numbs pain, fills an evening or makes a party easier. Seeing those benefits plainly is not approval. It shows you what any healthier option has to compete with.
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4
HourLife takeaway
Reward the moments you want to see more of.
Behaviour that is rewarded tends to come back. When your person is sober, make that time pleasant: notice it, say something specific and kind, or do something together that they enjoy. Small, steady rewards matter more than big speeches.
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5
HourLife takeaway
Stop cushioning the fall, and let the natural costs of use reach the person who is using.
Calling in sick for someone, paying their debts or cleaning up after a binge keeps the costs of use away from them. Stepping back lets those costs do their work. The book means allowing consequences, not adding punishments of your own, and never at the expense of anyone's safety.
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6
HourLife takeaway
Mixed feelings about change are normal, not denial.
Most people want to change and want to keep using at the same time. Motivational interviewing works with both sides instead of arguing. Pushing hard on one side tends to make the person defend the other.
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7
HourLife takeaway
How you say it decides whether they can hear it.
Lectures, labels and blame raise defences fast. The book teaches a positive way of speaking: short, specific, in the first person, with some understanding of their side. It will not work every time, but it keeps the door open.
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8
HourLife takeaway
There is more than one road to getting better.
Help can mean therapy, medication, mutual-help groups, or several of these together. No single route suits everyone. A person is more likely to start when they have some say in which road they take.
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9
HourLife takeaway
Looking after yourself is part of helping, not a break from it.
Living with someone's substance use is exhausting, and stress makes it harder to stay calm and consistent. The authors ask families to protect their own sleep, friendships and support. You are more useful to your person, and to yourself, when you are not running on empty.
Chapter 03
Put it to work
Your action book
Do the setup steps once, then keep the habits going. The setup changes your week; the habits keep it changed after the first good one.
The download puts this whole reading and a printable action book in one PDF: the setup checklist, then a page of real calendar days for each habit, starting on the day you choose.
Set up once
Map when the use happens
For the next two weeks, jot down when, where and with whom your person seems to drink or use, and what it seems to do for them. Patterns usually show up quickly.
List what they enjoy sober
Write down ten things your person likes that have nothing to do with using: a meal, a walk, a film, a game, time with the kids. Circle two you could offer this week.
Pick one thing to stop rescuing
Choose one thing you do that softens the cost of use, such as covering at work or paying a bill it caused. Decide to stop, and if you tell them, do it at a calm, sober moment.
Make a safety plan
Know where you would go and who you would call if things ever felt unsafe, and keep your phone charged. If withdrawal or overdose is a risk, learn the warning signs and where to get medical help fast.
Find support of your own
Book time with a therapist, ideally one who knows CRAFT, or try a family group such as SMART Recovery Family & Friends or Al-Anon. Pick the one that fits you, not the one you were told to try.
Keep it up
Catch one good moment a day
When your person is sober, say one specific, warm thing or join them in something they enjoy. Keep it light and do not mention the times they were using.
Step away calmly when they use
When they are drinking or high, leave the room or the outing with a neutral line, such as saying you will talk later. Skip the lecture; it rarely lands while they are using.
Rewrite one sentence before you say it
Before a hard talk, turn a blaming line into a positive, first-person one that shows you see their side. Say what you want to happen, not only what went wrong.
Chapter 04
The last word
Before you go
Pick one step from the action book and do it today. An idea from a book starts to count once it changes what one ordinary day looks like.
Be warm to the person, clear about the use, and gentle with yourself. Change grows best in good moments.
That is the end of our reading. Where to go from here, or go back to the full Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change page.
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