The reader's edition
Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts: A Healing Guide to the Secret Fears of New Mothers: the summary
Karen Kleiman is a clinical social worker and the founder of The Postpartum Stress Center, where she has worked with mothers facing anxiety and depression after birth for many years. In this illustrated book, made with the artist Molly McIntyre, she writes about the frightening, unwanted thoughts many new mothers have, often about something bad happening to their baby. Her argument is that these thoughts are common, that having one is not a sign a mother will act on it, and that the fear grows when the thoughts are kept secret. Short passages sit beside drawings, so a tired parent can read a page at a time. Kleiman explains why anxiety makes the thoughts sticky, why fighting them backfires, and how to talk about them and find help. She also separates these anxious thoughts from rarer emergencies such as postpartum psychosis. Read a chapter at a time, with a printable action book at the end.
- Karen Kleiman
- 2019
- 4 chapters
- 5 min read
- 9 takeaways
This is HourLife's reading of Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts: A Healing Guide to the Secret Fears of New Mothers, in our own words. It is not a substitute for the book.
Chapter 01
Before you start
The book in a minute
Tap a paragraph to highlight it. Turn pages with the arrows, the arrow keys, or a swipe.
Karen Kleiman is a clinical social worker and the founder of The Postpartum Stress Center, where she has worked with mothers facing anxiety and depression after birth for many years. In this illustrated book, made with the artist Molly McIntyre, she writes about the frightening, unwanted thoughts many new mothers have, often about something bad happening to their baby. Her argument is that these thoughts are common, that having one is not a sign a mother will act on it, and that the fear grows when the thoughts are kept secret. Short passages sit beside drawings, so a tired parent can read a page at a time. Kleiman explains why anxiety makes the thoughts sticky, why fighting them backfires, and how to talk about them and find help. She also separates these anxious thoughts from rarer emergencies such as postpartum psychosis.
Below are the 9 ideas HourLife readers vote up most, each in our words with a note on what it asks of you, and then the steps that put them to work.
Chapter 02
What readers keep
The takeaways
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1
HourLife takeaway
A scary thought about your baby is a sign of how much you care, not a sign that your baby is in danger.
This is the heart of the book. A new parent's mind is tuned to spot threats, and sometimes it overshoots and shows you the worst case. Kleiman's point is that the thought upsets you because it runs against everything you want for your child.
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2
HourLife takeaway
Thinking something is not the same as wanting it, and it is not the same as doing it.
Unwanted thoughts can feel like a confession. They are not. The book separates the thought, which arrives on its own, from what you choose to do, and that separation is what lets the fear start to ease.
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3
HourLife takeaway
The harder you push a scary thought away, the more often it comes back.
Trying not to think of something keeps it close. Kleiman encourages mothers to stop arguing with the thought and let it be there until it fades. It feels backwards at first, and it is usually what works.
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4
HourLife takeaway
Secrecy feeds the fear, and saying the thought out loud takes away much of its power.
Many mothers hide these thoughts because they worry about what others will think, or what might happen if they tell. The book is written to break that silence, and it treats telling a trusted person as part of healing.
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5
HourLife takeaway
What makes a thought stick is the meaning anxiety gives it, not the thought itself.
Most people have odd, unwanted thoughts that slide past. Anxiety grabs one and asks what it says about you. Once you see the thought as noise from a worried mind, it loses its grip.
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6
HourLife takeaway
Postpartum psychosis is different from scary thoughts, it is rare, and it is an emergency.
Kleiman draws a clear line. Anxious scary thoughts feel wrong and unwanted to the mother who has them. Confusion, seeing or hearing things others do not, or beliefs that feel real and strange are different, and they need urgent help the same day.
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7
HourLife takeaway
Scary thoughts are treatable, and you do not have to wait until you can't cope to ask for help.
Talking therapy helps many mothers, and some also use medication with their doctor. The book encourages asking early, and it gives mothers words for raising the subject with a provider.
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8
HourLife takeaway
Kind words to yourself work better than a fight with your own mind.
Shame makes anxiety louder. Meeting a scary thought with a calm, gentle sentence, rather than panic or self-blame, lowers the alarm and gives the thought less to hold on to.
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9
HourLife takeaway
You are not the only mother who has thought this, even if it feels that way.
The thoughts feel private and unique, which is why they are so lonely. The book's drawings show how ordinary they are, and seeing them on a page can be the first relief.
Chapter 03
Put it to work
Your action book
Do the setup steps once, then keep the habits going. The setup changes your week; the habits keep it changed after the first good one.
The download puts this whole reading and a printable action book in one PDF: the setup checklist, then a page of real calendar days for each habit, starting on the day you choose.
Set up once
Write your kind sentence
Choose one calm sentence to say when a scary thought shows up, such as: that is a scary thought, not a plan. Put it in your phone notes or on the fridge.
Save the help numbers now
Add your doctor's or midwife's number to your phone, and in the US the National Maternal Mental Health Hotline (1-833-852-6262) and 988. Do it while you are calm, so they are there if you need them.
Choose one person to tell
Pick a partner, friend, relative or professional you trust. Tell them this week that you have been having scary thoughts that upset you, and that you know they are anxiety.
Bring one line to your next appointment
Write down: I have been having scary, unwanted thoughts and I would like to talk about them. Read it out at your next check-up, or to your baby's doctor if that visit comes first.
Protect one stretch of sleep
Agree with a partner or helper on one block of sleep you can count on, such as one night feed they cover. Anxiety gets louder when you are worn out.
Keep it up
Name it, then carry on
When a scary thought comes, say to yourself: that is a scary thought. Then go back to what you were doing, slowly, and let the thought stay in the background.
Don't search what a thought means
Skip the late-night search to find out whether a thought says something about you. It tends to feed the fear. Write the question down and bring it to someone you trust instead.
Check in once a week
Pick a day to tell your person how loud the thoughts have been, from one to five. If the number climbs, or the thoughts start to feel like urges, call your provider that day.
Chapter 04
The last word
Before you go
Pick one step from the action book and do it today. An idea from a book starts to count once it changes what one ordinary day looks like.
A scary thought is only a thought. Say it out loud, be gentle with yourself, and let it pass.
That is the end of our reading. Where to go from here, or go back to the full Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts: A Healing Guide to the Secret Fears of New Mothers page.
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