Listen for facts, feelings, and identity.
A disagreement about a deadline may also involve embarrassment and a fear of seeming incapable. Write down each layer before the conversation so the scheduling problem does not have to carry everything.
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Douglas Stone
The most-loved lines from Douglas Stone, drawn from 1 book in the library.
Lines labelled “HourLife takeaway” are our wording of the book’s ideas and may paraphrase it. Only lines in quotation marks are the author’s own words, with where they appear. Check the book for exact wording before you quote it. Spot an error?
Look for the contributions that keep a pattern going.
One person may promise too much while another avoids clarifying expectations. Naming those actions creates things to discuss and change. The contributions can be very different in scale and seriousness.
Make room for mixed feelings.
“I’m angry, and I’m embarrassed that I waited to say something” gives the other person more information than an accusation. Name the feeling as your experience and let them describe theirs.
Describe the impact; ask about the intention.
You know that the changed date cost you preparation time. You may not know why it changed. Explain what happened for you, then ask what the other person was trying to do.
Begin with a difference both people can recognize.
“We seem to have different understandings of the deadline” makes a shared subject available. Each person can explain how they got there before you decide what should happen next.
Keep this going in the app.
HourLife turns these ideas into a daily system — goals, habits, focus, and reflection in one private place.
