- Tools
- Relationship Conversation Generator
Sit down together and take turns, one question at a time.
Table for Two deals question cards for two people, from light to deep. One screen between you, one card at a time, and both of you answer every card out loud. At the end, each of you picks one small thing to do this week. Nothing is typed, so nothing you say goes anywhere.
- 4 decks
- 120 cards
- Free, no account
What did you love doing as a child that you rarely do now?
How a sitting goes
About twenty minutes for the usual length. Phones down, one screen between you.
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Set the table
Put in your two names, pick a deck and a length. Usual deals 4 cards from each of the deck’s three levels. Turn on Say it back if you want the listener to repeat what they heard before answering.
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Take turns
One card fills the screen, with whose turn it is to go first; that alternates every card. A level card opens each level. Skip any card for a different one, and star the ones worth coming back to.
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One small thing each
At the end, each of you picks one small thing to do this week from a short list. The table keeps a note of the sitting and what you picked, so next time starts from there.
- Short Six cards, about ten minutes.
- Usual Twelve cards, about twenty minutes.
- Long Twenty-four cards, about forty minutes.
- Whole deck All thirty cards, for an evening.
Four decks, three levels each
Every deck climbs, so the easy questions come first and the deep ones come once you have warmed up. Each opens the table with that deck chosen.
- This weekUsNext week Check-in A weekly state of us UsWhen did we feel most like a team this week? What went well, how we have been with each other, and what next week needs. Worth doing every week, at the same time. Play check-in
- Getting to knowGoing deeperClose Closer Questions that go a little deeper each set Going deeperWhat’s something you believed strongly five years ago that you see differently now? Three sets that climb from easy to personal, taken in turns, the way Arthur Aron’s closeness study was run. For someone you know, or want to know better. Play closer
- SettleUnderstandRepair Repair After a fight, once you have both cooled down UnderstandTell me what happened from your side, in a few sentences, starting with “I”. Settle first, then each tell it from your own side, then agree on one thing to do differently. Say it back is on, because being heard is most of a repair. If you feel afraid of the other person, or a fight has turned physical or threatening, these cards are not the right tool. Contact a local domestic abuse helpline or the emergency services. Play repair
- Warm upStoriesWild cards Play Light, fun and a little silly StoriesWhat’s the most embarrassing thing that happened to you at school? Small questions, old stories and a few dares. For a slow evening, a long drive, or after a heavy week. Play play
The cards say “we” and “us”, so they work for partners, close friends, a parent and a grown child, or siblings. Star a card in any deck and it joins a fifth deck of your own.
Why it is built this way
Three habits from couples research, turned into the shape of the game, each beside what it is built on. Five sources, used for what they show and no more.
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Light to deep, taking turns
In Arthur Aron’s 1997 study, pairs of strangers who took turns on questions that slowly grew more personal felt closer afterwards than pairs who made small talk for the same 45 minutes. The table keeps that shape: three levels, in order, both people answering each card.
Closeness from taking turns A. Aron, E. Melinat, E. N. Aron, R. D. Vallone and R. J. Bator, “The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness”, Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 23(4), 1997, 363–377Pairs who took turns on three sets of increasingly personal questions reported feeling closer than pairs given small-talk questions. It measured closeness right after the session, among strangers, not lasting relationships.
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Knowing each other’s world
John Gottman calls what partners know about each other’s worries, hopes and history a love map, and treats keeping it current as part of the work. The check-in and closer decks are mostly love map questions.
Love maps John M. Gottman and Nan Silver, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, 1999The first of the seven principles is knowing your partner’s inner world and keeping that knowledge up to date. Many of the check-in and closer cards ask for exactly that.
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Listening before answering
The speaker-listener technique from PREP has the listener say back what they heard before giving their own view. It slows a conversation down enough to be heard. The repair deck turns it on by itself; any deck can use it.
The speaker-listener technique Howard Markman, Scott Stanley and Susan L. Blumberg, Fighting for Your Marriage, 1994One person speaks while the other listens and paraphrases, then they swap. Say it back is a lighter version of the same rule.
Also drawn on
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Turning toward bids
The Gottman Institute, “Turn Toward Instead of Away”; K. Driver and J. Gottman, Family Process 43(3), 2004
In Gottman’s newlywed study, couples still married six years later had turned toward each other’s bids for attention 86 percent of the time, against 33 percent for couples who divorced. A weekly check-in is a planned bid.
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Planned conversations
John Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, Doug Abrams and Rachel Carlton Abrams, Eight Dates, 2018
Eight planned conversations on set themes, each with its own questions. The idea that a good conversation can be scheduled, and still be good, runs through the whole table.
Nothing you say is written down
The answers are the private part, so the table never asks you to type them.
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What it keeps
Your two names, the deck and length you like, your starred cards, a short history of sittings with the small thing each of you picked, and a sitting you stopped partway through, so you can pick it up later.
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Where it keeps it
In this browser. If you are signed in, the same things follow your account to your other devices. None of it is shown to anyone else.
Before the repair deck
- Wait until you have both calmed downGottman’s research suggests about 20 minutes apart after a fight before your body settles enough to listen.
- It is not for every fightIf you feel afraid of the other person, or a fight has turned physical or threatening, these cards are not the right tool. Contact a local domestic abuse helpline or the emergency services.
Questions
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What is the Relationship Conversation Generator?
A deck of question cards for two people, played on one screen. Pick a deck and a length, and the table deals cards from light to deep. You take turns answering, one card at a time, and at the end each of you picks one small thing to do this week.
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Is it only for couples?
No. The cards say “we” and “us”, so they work for partners, close friends, a parent and a grown child, or siblings. The check-in and play decks suit any close pair. The closer deck is for someone you know, or want to know better.
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Do we type our answers?
No. You say them out loud to each other. The table keeps only your names, your settings, the cards you star and the small thing each of you picked, in this browser and in your account if you are signed in. Nothing you say is recorded or sent anywhere.
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What does “Say it back” do?
It adds a step from the speaker-listener technique in PREP, a couples programme developed by Howard Markman and Scott Stanley. After the first person answers, the other says back what they heard before giving their own answer. It slows the conversation down and makes it easier to feel heard. It is on by default for the repair deck.
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Where do the questions come from?
They were written for HourLife. The way they climb, three sets from easy to personal, taken in turns, follows Arthur Aron’s 1997 closeness study. The check-in borrows John Gottman’s idea of love maps, knowing the other person’s inner world, and of noticing small bids for attention.
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When should we use the repair deck?
After a fight, once you have both calmed down. If either of you still feels flooded, with a racing heart and no room to listen, take at least twenty minutes apart first. If you feel afraid of the other person, these cards are not the right tool; contact a local domestic abuse helpline or the emergency services.
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How often should we play?
The check-in is meant to be weekly, at the same time each week, and the usual length takes about twenty minutes. The other decks are for whenever you have an evening. Starred cards stay saved, so you can play them again as a deck of their own.
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Can we stop partway through?
Yes. End here takes you to the last step, and the table remembers a game you leave open, so you can pick it up later on the same device.
Set a time, and sit down
The same evening each week works best. The table remembers your names, your starred cards and what you each picked last time.
Keep this going in the app.
HourLife turns these ideas into a daily system — goals, habits, focus, and reflection in one private place.
