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Communication · a life skill

Deliberate Question Stacking

ask about what they just said

Once you can ask one question and wait, the next step is choosing what that question is about. The strongest choice is usually sitting in the answer you just heard: a detail they mentioned, a word they leaned on. Researchers call that a follow-up question, and in their chat experiments it was the kind that did the most for how much people liked the person asking.

  • Moderate
  • High impact
  • Learn it: 2-4 weeks
  • Six kinds of question
what people actually asked
The six kinds of question people asked in online chats, stacked by share One column split by share of all questions asked in two chat studies: follow-up 40.51 per cent, full switch 27.55, mirror 19.03, introductory 5.52, partial switch 5.48 and rhetorical 1.91. Follow-ups, the largest block, sit on top. Share of all questions Follow-up · 40.5% Full switch · 27.6% Mirror · 19.0% Introductory · 5.5% Partial switch · 5.5% Rhetorical · 1.9% 41% “I'm planning a trip to Canada.” “Have you ever been there before?”

Questions from 368 chat transcripts, coded by three readers each. Huang and colleagues, 2017.

The habit

Try it now.

  1. Catch one detail

    While they talk, notice one specific thing: a name, a place, a feeling, a word they repeated.

  2. Ask about that detail

    “Canada? Have you been before?” Your question shows you heard them, without saying so.

  3. Switch topics on purpose

    Moving on is fine when a thread is done. Just don't jump because your next question was already loaded.

  4. Use “how about you?” to hand back

    When they've asked you something, answer, then return the question. It's a mirror, and it keeps things even.

  5. Stack on the answer

    Each follow-up comes from the last reply, so the questions build downwards into one topic.

    Listen, pick a detail, ask about it, repeat.

Example: they say “I'm shattered, we moved flat on Saturday.” A switch is “Any plans this week?” A follow-up is “Oh no. How did the move go?”

Follow-up or switch

Spot the follow-up, then write your own.

On the left, four short rounds: someone says something and you pick the question that builds on it. On the right, try your own question against their line and tally the kinds you ask.

Which question follows up?

      A rough check: it matches words, not meaning. Nothing you type is saved or sent anywhere; it all runs on this page.

      The research behind it

      More questions, more liking, mostly follow-ups.

      Karen Huang and colleagues paired strangers for fifteen-minute online chats. One person in each pair was told to ask at least nine questions, or at most four. The first group asked 10.23 on average, the second 4.34; people given no instruction asked 7.03.

      Their partners liked the high askers more: 5.79 against 5.31 on the study's liking scale, a modest effect (d = .35). The askers themselves didn't see it coming. Their guesses of how much they'd be liked barely differed, 5.27 against 5.19.

      When the team read the transcripts, the extra questions were not just more of everything. Follow-ups made up 41.5% of questions in the many-questions group and 28.0% in the few. Follow-ups went with partners feeling listened to and liking the asker more; full switches went with feeling less listened to.

      Not settled. In a speed-dating study in the same paper, follow-ups also went with more second-date offers. A reanalysis by Malloy and Kluger (2019) that separated each dater's own style from their partners' found that link disappeared. The authors replied in defence of their result. The chat experiments, which assigned how many questions people asked, are the firmer evidence.

      Questions asked in each group: 4.34 when told to ask few, 7.03 with no instruction, 10.23 when told to ask many. Partners' liking: 5.79 for high askers against 5.31 for low askers. Questions asked in 15 minutes Told to ask few 4.34 No instruction 7.03 Told to ask many 10.23 How much partners liked them 5.79 asked many 5.31 asked few d = .35: real, but modest
      Study 1 of Huang, Yeomans, Brooks, Minson and Gino, “It doesn't hurt to ask: Question-asking increases liking”, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2017.

      The idea

      Why it works.

      A follow-up is proof of listening that doesn't need announcing. You can't ask about their Canada trip unless you heard about it, so the question itself says “I was paying attention”, and the researchers found that feeling of being listened to went hand in hand with liking.

      A full switch says the opposite, even when it's well meant: whatever they just told you is closed, and the conversation moves to your next item. Stacking follow-ups also takes the pressure off you. You don't need a list of good questions, just one detail from the last answer.

      When it goes wrong

      Habits that help.

      • Don't turn it into an interview. Follow-ups work in a conversation, so share something of your own between them.
      • Pick the detail they lingered on. The word they said with feeling usually beats the one you find interesting.
      • Mirror once, not every time. “How about you?” is fair after answering, but a string of them reads as polite box-ticking.
      • Leave sore spots alone. If a detail seems painful, a gentle “that sounds hard” beats a probing question.

      Go deeper

      Keep going.

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