Social skills · a life skill
Deliberate Warm Introductions
two yeses before one introduction
When someone asks you for an introduction, the quick thing is to copy them both into one email and hope. The deliberate thing takes two extra messages: ask the other person first, on their own, with an easy way to say no. Then introduce them only when both have said yes, and step out of the way.
- Moderate
- High impact
- Learn it: 2-4 weeks
- Three short emails
Theo hears about Ana from Sam alone, so a no costs nobody anything. Ana and Theo only see each other's names once both have said yes.
The method
Ask each of them first, then introduce.
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Find out exactly what they want
When Ana asks to meet Theo, pin down the ask: “a 20-minute call about how you hire”, not “pick your brain”. A clear ask is easier to say yes to, and easier to turn down.
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Get a blurb you can forward
Ask Ana for two or three lines about themself, in their own words. You forward them as written, so nothing gets lost in your retelling.
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Ask the other side privately, with an easy no
Email Theo on their own, with the blurb and the ask, and say plainly that a no is fine and goes no further. Never copy Ana in on this one.
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Introduce only on two yeses
One short email to both: names each way, Ana's blurb, the ask, and a line handing it over. If Theo says no, tell Ana they're busy right now, and stop there.
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Step back, then check back in two weeks
Move yourself to BCC on the first reply. Two weeks later, ask Ana, the one who asked, whether they talked.
The ask, a blurb, a private yes, the intro, BCC, a check-in.
Example: Ana asked Sam to meet Theo, who hires user researchers. Sam got a two-line blurb from Ana, emailed Theo alone, and had a yes the next day. Sam sent the introduction on Monday 2 November, moved to BCC when Theo replied, and put Monday 16 November in their calendar to ask Ana how it went.
The double opt-in writer
Write all three emails before you send the first.
Fill in who asked, who they want to meet, and what for. The writer drafts the private ask, the introduction and the check-in, and the tracker below works out when to check back. Add each introduction to your list so you can see which ones are still waiting on a yes.
Something a person can say yes or no to. Not “to pick your brain”.
Ask them for it. Your paraphrase is where asks get lost.
Written to them, after “I thought of you because”. Optional.
- To
- Not copied
- Subject
Introductions in progress
None on your list yet.
Kept only in this browser. Nothing is sent anywhere: you copy each email into your own.
The research behind it
People say yes more often than we expect.
Francis Flynn and Vanessa Lake ran six studies in which people asked others for help directly, after guessing how it would go. They underestimated the chance of a yes by as much as 50%. Volunteers raising money for a charity, for one, expected to approach about half again as many people as they needed to.
Vanessa Bohns later reviewed the work, in which participants had asked more than 14,000 strangers for things. On average, people underestimated how many would agree by 48%. Bohns's explanation: people asking forget how awkward it is to say no to someone's face.
That's why the double opt-in asks privately and makes no easy. Asked in front of Ana, Theo may say yes because a no would be awkward, then never reply. Asked alone, with a no made easy, Theo's yes means something, and Ana gets an introduction to someone who wants it. That step is ours: the studies measured direct requests for help, not introductions.
- up to50%how far people underestimated the chance that someone would help when asked directlyFlynn & Lake (2008), six studies
- 14,000+strangers asked for something, across the studies reviewedBohns (2016)
- 48%the average underestimate of how many would say yesBohns (2016)
Sources: Flynn & Lake (2008), Journal of Personality and Social Psychology · Stanford GSB summary · Bohns (2016), Current Directions in Psychological Science
The idea
Why it works.
An introduction spends something of yours and something of theirs: your judgement, and their time. Asking each side first means nobody's name or inbox is handed over without a yes, and nobody has to turn someone down in front of the person who asked.
The blurb and the exact ask do the rest. They let the second person decide in a minute, and the introduction email can be four lines long. For introducing two people face to face, start with simple warm introductions; for the check-in two weeks on, see follow-up texts.
When it goes wrong
Habits that help.
- Never copy both in on the ask. With Ana watching, Theo can't say no politely, so they say yes and go quiet.
- One nudge, then let it go. If Theo hasn't answered in a week, nudge once. After that, tell Ana it isn't a good time, and leave it there.
- Don't write the blurb yourself. Ana knows what they want better than you do, and their own words forward without anything lost.
Go deeper
Keep going.
- Simple Warm Introductions
- Deliberate Warm Introductions
- Advanced Warm Introductions
Keep this going in the app.
HourLife turns these ideas into a daily system — goals, habits, focus, and reflection in one private place.
