Keep this life skill for later
Sign in to save
← All life skills

Communication · a life skill

Advanced Clarifying Expectations

the promises nobody said out loud

The expectations that hurt most were never on any card. “I'd lead the new product.” “You'd always answer in the evening.” One person holds them as promises, the other doesn't know they made one, and when they break it feels like betrayal, not a misunderstanding. This takes 30 days: write both sides down, then say the riskiest ones out loud, two at a time.

  • Challenging to start
  • Life-Changing impact
  • Learn it: 30 days
  • Four check-ins
a promise ledger, raised over four weeks
Lena's two-sided promise ledger with her manager, each line tagged said, implied or assumed, and what became of it over four weekly check-ins What Lena believes she was promised: A promotion review after twelve months (said, agreed); Remote Fridays stay (implied, changed); I'll lead the new product line (assumed, dropped); A budget for one course a year (assumed, agreed); What she thinks her manager believes she promised: Mentor the new hire (said, agreed); Answer messages in the evening (assumed, dropped); Own the onboarding docs (implied, agreed); Stay at least two years (assumed, changed); Raised at one-to-ones: week 1, promotion (agreed) and new product (dropped). week 2, Fridays (changed) and evenings (dropped). week 3, course (agreed) and onboarding (agreed). week 4, mentoring (agreed) and two years (changed). Lena, three months into a job · her manager, Dev I believe I was promised A promotion reviewafter twelve months said ✓ Remote Fridays stay implied ~ I'll lead the newproduct line assumed ✗ A budget for one coursea year assumed ✓ I think Dev believes I promised Mentor the new hire said ✓ Answer messages inthe evening assumed ✗ Own the onboarding docs implied ✓ Stay at least two years assumed ~ Raised at the weekly one-to-one Day 1 Day 30 Week 1 promotion ✓ new product ✗ Week 2 Fridays ~ evenings ✗ Week 3 course ✓ onboarding ✓ Week 4 mentoring ✓ two years ~ said implied assumed agreed changed dropped Half the lines were assumed. The one that would have hurt most went first. 1 2 3 4 5

Eight lines, two raised each week. Two were dropped, two changed, four agreed, and none of them is a surprise any more.

The habit

Try it now.

  1. Write what you believe you were promised

    Everything you'd feel let down to lose, big or small. Write it as you'd say it to a friend, not as you'd say it to them.

  2. Write what you think they believe you promised

    The harder side. What would make them feel let down by you? Guess honestly, including the things you'd rather not do.

  3. Tag each line said, implied or assumed

    Said: someone said it in words. Implied: it followed from something said. Assumed: nobody said anything. Then mark how much it would hurt if it broke.

  4. Raise two a week, the riskiest first

    Assumed and painful goes first. “I've been assuming this. Is that how you see it?” Two lines per conversation, no more.

  5. Mark each one agreed, changed or dropped

    Every answer is useful. A dropped expectation hurts less in week one than it would have in year two.

    Run it again at every big change: a new role, a move, a baby, a new contract.

When to break the rule: not in the middle of a fight, when every line will sound like a charge. And leave the small assumed things assumed; this is for the lines that would hurt.

Audit one relationship

List the expectations, then plan four conversations.

Pick who it's with, write a line for each expectation on either side, and tag it. The lines that are assumed and would hurt most rise to the top, two to a week, each with a first sentence to open with.

What you've written

Thirty days, two a week

    Nothing you type is saved or sent anywhere. Close the tab and it's gone, which for a list like this is probably what you want.

    The study behind it

    More than half felt a promise had been broken within two years.

    Sandra Robinson and Denise Rousseau surveyed 128 management graduates as they started new jobs, asking what their employers had promised them and what they'd promised in return. Two years later they asked the same people again: had the employer kept its side?

    More than half said no. Their title was the finding: a broken psychological contract was “not the exception but the norm”. Those who felt it had been broken trusted their employer less, were less satisfied, were less likely to plan on staying, and were more likely to have left already.

    It's one group of graduates from one programme, and it measured what people felt they'd been promised, not what anyone said. That's the point, though. Many of those promises lived in one person's head. The audit gets them out where the other person can agree, change or drop them before they break.

    The design of Robinson and Rousseau (1994). 128 graduates were surveyed when they started a job and two years later. More than half said their employer had broken the promises they believed it had made. Those who did reported lower trust, satisfaction and intention to stay, and more had left. At graduation What did your new employer promise you? 2 years Two years later Did they keep their side? The same 128 people “They broke it” “They kept it” more than half · the dashed line is half Went with lower trust less satisfied less intent to stay more had left One cohort, one programme. What people felt was promised, which is the part this page is about.
    The design and the direction of the result; “more than half” rather than an exact share. Robinson & Rousseau, “Violating the psychological contract: not the exception but the norm”, Journal of Organizational Behavior, 1994.

    The idea

    Why it works.

    An assumed expectation feels exactly like a promise to the person holding it, and like nothing at all to the other person. So when it breaks, one of you feels betrayed and the other has no idea what they did. Neither of you is wrong about what you remember.

    Saying it out loud turns an assumed line into a said one, and a said line can be talked about. Most get agreed. Some change. A few get dropped, and those are the ones that would have cost the most, found while they still cost little.

    When it goes wrong

    Habits that help.

    • Open with your assumption, not their failure. “I've been assuming…” invites a correction. “You never…” invites a defence.
    • Do their side too. Asking “what do you think I signed up for?” is the line that makes it fair.
    • Take “no” well the first time. If a dropped line gets an argument, they won't tell you the next one.
    • Write down what you agree. A said line slides back to assumed within a year if nobody can find it.

    Go deeper

    Keep going.

    Keep this going in the app.

    HourLife turns these ideas into a daily system — goals, habits, focus, and reflection in one private place.

    Download on the App Store Download on the Mac App Store See everything HourLife does