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Communication · a life skill

Advanced Nonviolent Language

reflect before you reply

The hardest time to speak without blame is when someone has just blamed you. The advanced habit is to put your side on hold for one turn: say back the feeling and the need you hear in their words, as a guess, and wait until they say “yes, that's it”. In a study of short conversations with strangers, a reply that paraphrased the speaker left people feeling more understood than advice or a simple “mm, I see”.

  • Challenging
  • Life-Changing impact
  • Learn it: 30 days
  • Reflect, check, then reply
three ways to answer a charge
A complaint, three possible replies, and the conversation that follows the reflection Someone says: you never back me up in front of your mum. Two replies are struck out: advice, “just tell her to stop, then”, and defence, “but I did, last Sunday”. The third, a reflection, is kept: “you felt on your own in there, and wanted me with you?” They answer: yes, exactly that. Only then comes your side: “Then here's what I saw…” They say “You never back me up in front of your mum.” Advice “Just tell her to stop, then.” Defence “But I did, last Sunday.” Reflection “You felt on your own in there, and wanted me with you?” “Yes. Exactly that.” Then your side “Then here's what I saw…”

An illustration, not data. Hover a step to see where it happens.

The habit

Try it now.

  1. Hear the charge, hold your reply

    Notice the urge to correct, defend or fix. You'll get your turn; it just isn't this one.

  2. Say back what you heard, shorter

    Their point, in fewer words than they used, without the parts you disagree with.

  3. Guess the feeling and the need, as a question

    “You felt on your own, and wanted me with you?” A guess they can correct, not a diagnosis.

  4. Wait for “yes, that's it”

    If you get “not quite”, ask what you missed and reflect again. A wrong guess still shows you're trying.

  5. Then give your side, once

    One or two sentences in the same shape: what you saw, what you felt, what you'd like.

    Reflect, check, then reply.

Example: “You've dumped the whole launch on me again.” Not “That's not fair, I…”, but “You're swamped, and you need the work shared out more fairly?” Then, after the yes: “I didn't know it had all landed on you. Can we split the list this afternoon?”

The drill

Reflect first. Your side waits.

What did they say?

Pick an example or type the line that stung, as close to their words as you can remember.

Reflect it back

Their feeling and their need, as a guess. Nothing about you yet.

  • Names a feeling they might have
  • Guesses what they need or want
  • Ends as a question they can correct
  • No advice
  • No “but” and no defence
  • No silver lining or story of your own

Did they say yes?

In a real conversation, wait for it. Here, pretend.

Nothing you type is saved or sent anywhere.

The research behind it

Paraphrase made people feel understood.

Harry Weger and colleagues had 115 students each talk for about 5 minutes with a stranger, one of 10 trained partners, about a personal topic. The partner answered in one of 3 ways: active listening, which paraphrased what the student said and asked about it; advice; or a simple acknowledgement like “I see”.

People who got active listening felt more understood than those who got advice or acknowledgement. On how satisfied they were with the talk, and how much they liked their partner, active listening and advice both beat acknowledgement, by small margins, and didn't differ from each other.

These were first meetings in a lab, not a row with someone you live with, and the topics weren't complaints about the listener. A separate line of work by Guy Itzchakov and Avi Kluger found that being listened to well made speakers less anxious and their views less extreme, which is what you want from someone who has just come at you. The order on this page, their feeling and need before your side, is Marshall Rosenberg's.

Which replies came out ahead: active listening on feeling understood; active listening and advice, level, on being happy with the talk and liking the partner; simple acknowledgement behind on all three Felt understood Happy with the talk Liked the partner Active listening Advice Acknowledgement the higher group lower. Order only, no sizes.
Weger, Castle Bell, Minei & Robinson, International Journal of Listening, 2014. 115 people; read from the abstract. The gaps in the second and third columns were small.

The idea

Why it works.

Someone who feels accused braces for your defence, and when it comes, they push harder. A reflection is the one reply they aren't braced for. It doesn't concede the facts; it shows you heard the feeling behind them, and that lowers the need to keep saying it louder.

Waiting for the yes matters as much as the reflection. Until they agree you've got it, your side lands as a rebuttal. Once they do, it lands as the next turn in a conversation you're now both having.

When it goes wrong

Habits that help.

  • Reflecting isn't agreeing. “You felt let down” says nothing about whether you let them down. You can reflect a charge you think is wrong.
  • Don't parrot. Repeating their exact words sounds like a technique. Shorter, in your own words, with a guess at the feeling.
  • If you're too angry to guess, say so. “I want to hear this properly. Can we come back to it in ten minutes?” beats a reflection through gritted teeth.
  • Keep your turn short. After the yes, one or two sentences. A long defence undoes the work.

Go deeper

Keep going.

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