Keep this life skill for later
Sign in to save
← All life skills

Communication · a life skill

Simple Nonviolent Language

start with I, not you

The same complaint can point at the other person or start from you. In a study of 253 people, openers that began with “you” were rated much likelier to make the other person defensive than the same point made with “I”. The easy version of the habit is one swap: catch the “you” at the front, and say what happened instead of what they are.

  • Easy
  • Medium impact
  • Learn it: 1 week
  • 253 people, 48 openers each
where the sentence points
The same complaint said two ways: one aimed at the other person, one starting from the speaker Top: “You never tell me when you're running late.” An arrow runs from the speaker to the listener, who holds up a shield. Bottom: “I worry when I don't hear you're running late.” The arrow loops back to the speaker, and the listener has no shield. Points at them You never tell me when you're running late. It reads as a charge, so the answer is a defence. Starts from you I worry when I don't hear you're running late. Same point. Nothing to defend against.

An illustration, not data. Hover a step to see the part of each sentence it changes.

The habit

Try it now.

  1. Catch the “you” at the front

    Before you send or say a complaint, look at its first word. “You” at the start usually means a verdict is coming.

  2. Start from what's going on in you

    “I worry”, “I'm stuck”, “I'm fed up”. One plain word for how it is for you.

  3. Say what happened, not what they are

    “When I don't hear you're running late”, not “because you're inconsiderate”. Something a camera could have recorded.

  4. Drop always and never

    They invite a counter-example (“I told you on Tuesday”) instead of a change.

  5. Read it as them

    Would you put a shield up if someone said it to you? If yes, turn it round once more.

    Catch it, start from you, say what happened.

Example: “You're always on your phone at dinner” becomes “I miss talking to you when the phones are out at dinner.” Same point, and nothing in it to argue with.

Turn it round

Check a complaint, then rebuild it.

Write the complaint the way it first comes out. The left card marks the parts that point at the other person. The right card rebuilds it from three plain parts: how you feel, what happened, and what you need.

1The way it first comes out

    2Turned round

      Nothing you type is saved or sent anywhere.

      The research behind it

      “I” helped most when it came with their side.

      Simon Rogers, Jill Howieson and Casey Neame gave 253 people 6 everyday conflicts, like a housemate who never cleans, and 8 ways to open each one. For every opener, people rated how likely the other person was to get defensive. Half the openers started from “I” and half from “you”, and they varied in whose side of things they mentioned.

      I-language lowered expected defensiveness across the board, and it was one of the two biggest effects in the study. Its effect was largest when the opener also said something about the other person's side, and smallest when it said nothing about either side. The least defensive openers of all did both: “I understand you're tired after work, and I feel it's unfair that I do all the cleaning.”

      These were ratings of written openers, not live arguments, and the authors note that comparing them side by side may exaggerate the differences. It's a good fit for the messages and emails where most complaints start.

      Size of the I-language effect on expected defensiveness, by what else the opener mentioned: their side and mine 0.72, their side only 0.74, my side only 0.68, neither side 0.47. How much starting with “I” helped Effect size r, by what else the opener said 0 0.25 0.5 0.75 Their side and mine 0.72 Their side only 0.74 My side only 0.68 Neither side 0.47
      Rogers, Howieson & Neame, “I understand you feel that way, but I feel this way”, PeerJ, 2018. 253 people; higher means “I” cut expected defensiveness more.

      The idea

      Why it works.

      A sentence that starts with “you” is about the other person, so it lands as a description of them: what they did, what they're like. People answer a charge by defending themselves, and then the conversation is about the charge, not the problem.

      A sentence that starts from you is about something only you can report. There's nothing in it to dispute, so the other person can skip the defence and get to the point: what to do about it.

      When it goes wrong

      Habits that help.

      • “I feel that you…” is still a you-sentence. If “that” or “like” follows “I feel”, a verdict is coming. Name a feeling instead.
      • Don't hide a demand in I-language. “I need you to stop being selfish” has an I at the front and a label in the middle.
      • Mention their side too. One clause about how it is for them (“I know the mornings are rushed”) did more than “I” alone.
      • Keep it short. One feeling, one thing that happened. A list of grievances in I-language is still a list.

      Go deeper

      Keep going.

      Keep this going in the app.

      HourLife turns these ideas into a daily system — goals, habits, focus, and reflection in one private place.

      Download on the App Store Download on the Mac App Store See everything HourLife does