A hint leaves the other person to guess what you want and how to say yes. A plain question names it, and it gets a yes more often than most people expect. Asked to borrow a phone from strangers, people guessed they'd need about ten tries to get three yeses. It took about six.
Easy to start
Medium impact
Learn it: 1 week
One sentence, said to one person
the asks people expect, the asks it takes, and the ask itself
The top two rows are averages from one study by Frank Flynn and Vanessa Bohns; the people are drawn for scale. The ask below holds everything the hint left out, in the order you'd say it.
The habit
Try it now.
Say their name
“Sam,” not “Could someone…”. A request to the room is a request to nobody, and everyone waits for someone else.
Ask a question they can answer yes
“Could I borrow your phone?” instead of “My phone's dead…”. A hint asks them to work out the request before they can agree to it.
Say how big it is
Two minutes, two bags, one lift to the station. A clear size is easier to agree to than an open-ended favour.
Say when
“Now”, “before eight”, “on Saturday”. Without a time, yes can quietly turn into never.
Leave an easy no, then stop
“It's fine if not.” Then wait. No is hard to say to someone's face, so the easy no is what makes their yes a real one.
If they say no, thank them and ask the next person. One no is about the request, not about you.
When to break the rule: if you're their boss, their landlord or anyone they can't easily refuse, “it's fine if not” isn't enough. Let them answer later, in writing, or ask someone who's free to say no.
Turn a hint into an ask
Write the hint you'd drop, then the ask you'll say.
Pick a hint below, or type one of your own. Then fill in the five parts. The ask builds itself on the right, with checks for anything missing and for the little words that turn a question back into a hint.
Start from a hint
5 · An easy no
What you'd have said
What you'll say
The five parts
Name
Question
Size
When
Easy no
Before you say it
Nothing you type is saved or sent anywhere. The checks look for a short list of words, so read the ask out loud once before you use it; if it sounds like you, it's ready.
The study behind it
People say yes more often than askers expect.
In a set of studies published in 2008, Frank Flynn and Vanessa Bohns (then Lake) sent people out to ask strangers for small favours: to lend a phone, fill in a questionnaire, or give directions. Before they set off, each person guessed how many strangers they'd have to ask to get the yeses they needed.
In the phone study, people guessed they'd need to ask about ten strangers to get three to lend a phone. On average it took about six, so roughly one person in two said yes. Volunteers raising money for a charity run guessed they'd need to ask 210 people to reach their targets. They needed 122.
The studies point to one reason for the gap. Askers think about what a yes costs the other person, and forget that no costs something too: it is awkward to refuse someone standing in front of you. People who were asked also said they'd be more likely to help with a direct request than a hint, while askers expected the hint to work better.
That awkwardness is also why the easy no belongs in the ask. And it only works in person: when the same request went out on a printed flyer, people overestimated how many would say yes.
Average asks, as reported in Vanessa Bohns's 2016 review in Current Directions in Psychological Science. Flynn and Lake, “If you need help, just ask”, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2008. Each pair is drawn to its own scale.
The idea
Why it works.
A hint hands the other person two jobs: work out what you want, then offer it as if it were their idea. Many people won't, not because they mind helping but because they're not sure they've understood. A plain question does both jobs for them.
The size and the time turn a vague favour into something they can picture and fit in. The easy no keeps it fair. Because refusing face to face is awkward, a yes given without one may be a yes they didn't want to give.
When it goes wrong
Habits that help.
Drop the “just”. “Could you just…” shrinks the ask until it's hard to hear, and it rarely makes the favour smaller.
Ask in person when it matters. The yes rate that surprises people is face to face. A group message gets the quiet that a flyer gets.
Don't stack apologies. One “sorry to ask” is polite. Three tell them the ask is a burden before they've heard it.
Count the yeses, not the noes. If you need three helpers, ask until you have three. Each no is one step toward them.
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