Harriet Lerner

“Anger is a signal, not a script.”

Lerner separates the energy of anger from the automatic moves people make with it.

“Relationship patterns are dances: when one person changes steps, the system reacts.”

The book is useful because it expects pushback when someone becomes clearer.

“Blame can keep you focused on the other person instead of your own position.”

A stronger question is: what do I think, want, believe, and need to do?

“Overfunctioning and underfunctioning keep each other alive.”

Many conflicts persist because one person carries too much and the other carries too little.

“Clarity is calmer than attack.”

The goal is not to win the anger; it is to speak from a more defined self.